“Why doesn't my son want to make friends?”
My son is 12 years old and doesn't have much interest in making friends. When he was younger he had friends in school, but now that he's becoming a little more independent he always wants to be alone. Is this concerning? Is it a phase?
11 Answers
If he had friends and now he doesn't, there must have been an incident in school that led him to avoid making friends. If he can verbalize what triggered him to be more alone, then it may help reverse the isolating pattern.
Typically, kids are really more interactive and involved with friends and their age progresses. Consider getting some therapy to make sure there is no underlying issues going on. I would just monitor for now and consider talking to his pediatrician as well. Any bullying? Any online buying going on? Talk to him as well, and see if there was a fall out with friends or something else.
Hope that helps,
Dr. Sangra
Hope that helps,
Dr. Sangra
It is difficult to determine without knowing more about your son. Sometimes children or young adolescents outgrow their friends; sometimes it could be a phase, sometimes it could be something else. Sometimes it could be drug related. I would ask your son how come he always wants to be alone? I would also ask about drugs and see how he responds. I would also want to know how he is doing in school. Often when there are emotional problems, the first clue is school work deteriorates.
Depends on many things. Introversion is not necessarily bad. See Power of Quiet for more on this topic.
It can be a sign of low self-esteem, depression, being bullied or just being an introvert. Talk with him about your concerns and if not comfortable with his responses consult a professional
Could be either. One helpful approach might be to help him get involved with activities he is interested in that are part of, done with or associated with groups (ie stamp, robotics or chess club). He would be more likely to make friends with people who share his interests. He may be advanced in areas so peers are not commonly having the same interests, then it would take more caregiver effort to identify appropriate others to share interests with - would be worth the effort.
Hello,
In regards to your 12 year old son avoiding making friends, I would not consider this a phase. It is considered an important developmental step when boys and girls have a (usually same sex) best friend around this age. They will spend a lot of time together talking, playing, and going places (the mall, movies, games, etc.). In fact, they often remember each other the rest of their lives even if they lose contact as life leads them down different roads. I wonder why your son wants to be alone? The reasons can vary with each child: social anxiety, bullied (in person or on social media), he has not been successful at finding a best friend, etc. Does he have someone with whom he eats lunch at school? A group of friends? Or does he eat alone or avoid lunch all together because he has nobody to sit with? It is probably worth chatting with his teacher(s) to see if they have noticed his social interactions (or lack of interactions). Has he changed schools? Moved? What grades is he making? Have these changed? Is he skipping any classes? Does he have any physical complaints?What is his mood? Sleep? Regular bedtime routine and hours of sleep? Does he snore? Is he rested in the morning? What are his interests? Energy level? Any crying or feeling like crying? Appetite? Agitation? Concentration on school work? Has he thought of hurting himself or killing himself? (or anyone else)? How much time does he spend on the computer? iPad? Cell phone? Gaming? Social media?It is up to parents to set limits and help the child follow these limits. Most cannot just walk away or turn the electronic machine off. These things are addicting, and once hooked, the person often checks the screen every few minutes. The person will deny the addiction and argue that they can do without it, but then they continue to frequent the screen if left unchecked. It is helpful to install a monitor and timer. You don't want to discover that the child has been viewing inappropriate material or communicating with an older individual (claiming to be much younger). The AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) recommends a limit of 1-2 hours daily (between TV, gaming, social media). "But I have to do my homework online!" Some parents ultimately need to move the computer / laptop into the family room to help monitor the child's use of the device -- even with controls and monitors on the computer. Kids get wise to unlocking these devices. Consider having him evaluated: initially by his primary care doctor, and then by a mental health specialist.
Sincerely,
Susan Sparkman, M.D.
In regards to your 12 year old son avoiding making friends, I would not consider this a phase. It is considered an important developmental step when boys and girls have a (usually same sex) best friend around this age. They will spend a lot of time together talking, playing, and going places (the mall, movies, games, etc.). In fact, they often remember each other the rest of their lives even if they lose contact as life leads them down different roads. I wonder why your son wants to be alone? The reasons can vary with each child: social anxiety, bullied (in person or on social media), he has not been successful at finding a best friend, etc. Does he have someone with whom he eats lunch at school? A group of friends? Or does he eat alone or avoid lunch all together because he has nobody to sit with? It is probably worth chatting with his teacher(s) to see if they have noticed his social interactions (or lack of interactions). Has he changed schools? Moved? What grades is he making? Have these changed? Is he skipping any classes? Does he have any physical complaints?What is his mood? Sleep? Regular bedtime routine and hours of sleep? Does he snore? Is he rested in the morning? What are his interests? Energy level? Any crying or feeling like crying? Appetite? Agitation? Concentration on school work? Has he thought of hurting himself or killing himself? (or anyone else)? How much time does he spend on the computer? iPad? Cell phone? Gaming? Social media?It is up to parents to set limits and help the child follow these limits. Most cannot just walk away or turn the electronic machine off. These things are addicting, and once hooked, the person often checks the screen every few minutes. The person will deny the addiction and argue that they can do without it, but then they continue to frequent the screen if left unchecked. It is helpful to install a monitor and timer. You don't want to discover that the child has been viewing inappropriate material or communicating with an older individual (claiming to be much younger). The AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) recommends a limit of 1-2 hours daily (between TV, gaming, social media). "But I have to do my homework online!" Some parents ultimately need to move the computer / laptop into the family room to help monitor the child's use of the device -- even with controls and monitors on the computer. Kids get wise to unlocking these devices. Consider having him evaluated: initially by his primary care doctor, and then by a mental health specialist.
Sincerely,
Susan Sparkman, M.D.
It is the time to be more discerning about his relationships. Still, he should be encourage with sports and social interaction.
Marat Nadirovich Shamsutdinov
Adolescent Psychiatrist
At 12, children try to be independent and are trying to find themselves. However, social isolation may be due to several other, more serious underlying causes, i.e., depression, anxiety, psychotic disorders. He should be evaluated by a professional to find the root of the changed behavior.
I hope it helps. All the best.
I hope it helps. All the best.
Children have two equally important "jobs": learn in school, and have fun with friends. Isolating, or simply preferring to be alone, may be concerning and more than a "phase" if it interferes with a child's function or his happiness. Certainly, social isolation lasting more than 2-3 months deserves inquiry. Children 12 or older may have developed enough self-awareness to tell a parent why they are not engaging socially. For example, children may be grieving, may anticipate being teased/bullied, may be depressed, may lack interest in social contact. If the explanation provided by the child is not reassuring or does not add up, consultation with a licensed mental health professional may help sort out what is going on.
NB: This does not constitute medical advice, please see the disclaimer in my Expert Blog for details.
NB: This does not constitute medical advice, please see the disclaimer in my Expert Blog for details.
Very interesting, but a hard question to answer with the amount of information provided. The answer depends on how he’s doing in other aspects of his life such as school and home. In addition, consider his emotional state. Has there been a change lately? Does he seem more sad or depressed? Collecting all that information and talking to your pediatrician might be the way to start. Some boys do actually go through a phase around this age where they are more self-conscious and less confident in social settings. Whether your son is in that kind of phase or not will depend on the answers to the other questions I mentioned earlier.
